The Unspoken Truth: Why Over 70% of Parents Have a Favorite Child (and Who It Usually Is)

It's a parental taboo, but studies show up to 74% of parents have a favorite child. Research reveals this preference often falls on the firstborn due to unique family dynamics. This isn't about unequal love, but subconscious alignment, investment, and perception.

Admit it or not, the thought has likely crossed every parent's mind, often followed by a wave of guilt. Do I have a favorite child? While most parents would publicly deny it, science suggests that parental favoritism is not only real but overwhelmingly common. Studies have found that between 70% and 74% of parents with multiple children exhibit preferential treatment toward one child. It’s an uncomfortable truth, but understanding it can lead to healthier family dynamics for everyone.

The Science Behind the Secret

For years, this topic was relegated to sibling squabbles and family whispers. However, groundbreaking research led by sociologist Katherine Conger at the University of California, Davis, brought the issue into the light. Her team conducted a comprehensive, multi-year study of 384 sibling pairs and their parents. The findings were startling: a significant majority of parents admitted to having a favorite. But the real surprise was who that favorite usually is: the firstborn.

Interestingly, the perceptions of the children aligned with the parents' private admissions. Firstborn children tended to report feeling that they were the apple of their parents' eye, and their younger siblings often agreed with them. This wasn't just a feeling; it was a shared reality within the family unit.

Why the Firstborn Often Wins the Crown

The preference for the eldest child isn't arbitrary. Psychologists and sociologists point to a few key factors. Firstborns are the 'guinea pigs' of parenting. Parents, new to the job, pour an immense amount of time, attention, and anxiety into their first child. They document every milestone and often set higher expectations for them. This intense investment can create a powerful bond and a sense of pride that translates into preferential treatment. Furthermore, as firstborns tend to be more responsible and achievement-oriented—partly due to this parental pressure—they often do things that make their parents proud, creating a self-reinforcing cycle of favoritism.

It's Not About Love, It's About 'Fit'

It’s crucial to distinguish between favoritism and love. Experts emphasize that having a favorite rarely means a parent loves their other children any less. Instead, it's often about connection and compatibility. One child’s personality may simply 'vibe' more with a parent's own. They might be easier to parent, share similar interests, or remind the parent of themselves.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary explained to HuffPost, “It’s not so much that parents have a favorite child, but that they have a child they’re more attuned to. This attunement is not a reflection of their love for the other children, but a reflection of a certain 'fit' with one.”

This favoritism can also be fluid, shifting based on a child's age, needs, or current life circumstances. The 'easy' toddler might become a difficult teenager, and the once-overlooked middle child might become a parent's closest confidante in adulthood.

The Lasting Impact on All Children

Whether real or perceived, favoritism leaves a mark. The unfavored child can suffer from feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and low self-esteem, which can strain sibling relationships for decades. The social context is filled with stories of middle or youngest children who felt invisible or constantly compared to their older sibling. But being the favorite isn't always a golden ticket. Favored children often report feeling immense pressure to succeed, guilt over their special status, and difficulty forming relationships with peers who may resent them.

The key for parents is not to deny these natural feelings but to manage them with conscious awareness. By recognizing the tendency to favor one child, parents can take active steps to ensure every child feels seen, valued, and loved for their unique qualities. This means avoiding comparisons, carving out dedicated one-on-one time with each child, and celebrating their individual strengths and passions.


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